You receive a text message and you hope it is your boyfriend. You receive a phone call and you hope it is your boyfriend calling. You get excited when he says he is coming down to visit you but he comes three hours late without any notice of his tardiness because of supposed “traffic” or “getting some last minute work done”.
You feel your world revolves around your boyfriend.
You start to become needy and clingy.
You feel like you are not yourself and you are losing control of the relationship.
Your boyfriend is becoming more emotionally dominant over you and you feel weak…..
If any of these feelings apply to you, you might be in an unhealthy relationship. And it’s time to gain your power back in the relationship!
First, you need to evaluate makes you tick, focus on the flaws of your boyfriend.
Do you feel a lack in trust? Has he ever lied to you and did you ever suspect him cheating on you?
If these kinds of thoughts are going through your head, most probably, there is something wrong in your relationship you want to address whether it is trust, honesty, amount of time spent with you, commitment issues, or insecurity issues. Also, since you are reading this blog, you already know there is something off and you are searching for answers to validate your questionings.
What is he doing that makes you uncomfortable, sad, angry? Does he make you lose your self-esteem? Does he make you feel like you need him?
There is a very important aspect which is the basis of a relationship-power dynamics!
You want to be in a relationship where the power is equal meaning you both love each other equally and have the same levels of love, faith, trust, dedication, and respect for one another.
However, if your boyfriend is the one in control now, and you want to balance the power distribution again, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR POWER BACK!
Here are some tips that can help you get your power back and become that strong, independent woman you have always wanted to be. Becoming a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man is healthy mentally and emotionally and will lead you to a more happier, fulfilling life.
You must first realize on your own that you want this! That you can no longer tolerate his behavior towards you and it needs to end now! A change in you will lead to a change in him. Someone else telling you “oh he’s no good” or to “dump his ***” is not going to drive you to execute and act with complete force. It is very hard to detach yourself from someone close and it takes a lot of willpower that only you can sustain. There won’t always be someone reminding you to not call or text him! You need to be consistent and willing to drive this change yourself and do it independently. Understanding on your own that you are done with his bull**** and making the decision for yourself is the first step. This is the most important step because if you are not set mentally on changing your outlook and his ways, there will be a backlash and you will just be in a endless cycle. All your efforts will be wasted if you are not strong enough to NOT give in! And along with this decision, having greater self-respect becomes the backbone of your mission!
Always tell yourself:
I’m better than him!
I’m worth it and I deserve better!
I will not settle for less!
Until you have confidence in yourself and respect yourself, then you will be strong enough to overcome your emotional attachment to your man. You need to be able to say “I don’t need a man; I can survive on my own.”
When he sees you don’t need him, then he will come to you because men most usually always WANT WHAT THEY CAN’T HAVE!!!
Your confident vibe will glow all around you and you will psychologically attract him and make him feel like HE NEEDS YOU!
An independent, strong woman shows you are not weak and also points to a biological attraction that men cannot resist because it signifies your ability to “take care of yourself because of your independence” which ultimately shows you can “take care of children”. You are therefore a good mate.
2)Do not call/text/email/facebook him.
Miss his calls sometimes and don’t call back till 3 hours later. Don’t reply/answer his texts/calls right away. Again, respond 2 or 3 hours later.
Let him contact you more than you contact him.
Make yourself unavailable. This attributes to the concept of rarity and specialness. Your unavailability demonstrates your independence again and shows him you are not sacrificing all your time for him. It shows him that you ARE DOING YOUR OWN THING. It shows that the world doesn’t revolve around him and you don’t need him. You are not in his control and you spend your valuable time on your PRIORITIES and obviously he is NOT the number one on that list! You are.
You will start to see he will call more often and try to contact you but rush him off the phone when you pick up and don’t spend more than 5-10 minutes talking to him. Make sure you rush him off first and say “I’m busy, I’ll call you back later or in 5 minutes”. Then don’t call him back until he contacts you via text or call. If you feel you must call him back, call him back not 5 minutes later but 2 or 3 hours later.
He might suspect your new tactics and he might play along by agreeing and saying “Sure, I’ll talk to you later” Go with it and say “okay bye”. Then don’t feel like you were “left” and absolutely do not CALL HIM back!
If you feel compelled to call him and you are too insecure/anxious to hold yourself back, I’ll let you in a secret tip!:
Most phones have the option to post a personal banner on your screen. If your phone is capable of this feature, use it to your advantage and post up an inspiring, powerful message that will stop your urge from calling him!
Some things you can post is:
On to the next one
He’s not worth it
If he has cheated on you before or you feel there is a lack of trust, you can even put “cheater”
I’m better than him
You don’t need him
Don’t call him
Or post a flaw you absolutely hate about him or a flaw about him that makes you feel demeaned. Perhaps you hate the fact he doesn’t spend enough time with you or disrespects you by being late all the time. Post a flaw about him you dislike very much.
3) Do you own thing!
Go outside, get some vitamin D. Studies prove that people are happier in the sun because of the light that is exposed to them! Make new friends, go to clubs, meet new guys, of course being unfaithful is out of the question but flirting is no harm! Get a manicure, go to the gym, be in your best shape, or even buy yourself some new clothes. Overall, take care of yourself and pay attention to yourself!
Sometimes, men prey on women who don’t have friends, aren’t happy with themselves, who spend all their time on their boyfriend and gives up their time on her boyfriend rather than on her girlfriends. These men take control and the women become weak. If you and your man ever break up, you will need a support group and that lies in your friends and family so make sure you don’t neglect them because they are the ones who will truly be there for you when you fall.
4) Work on yourself mentally/emotionally
If you have a healthy mindset and you respect yourself, your relationship will follow and will be healthy as well. You need to mentally empower yourself which is the main key!
Tip: If he calls and you ignore the call, and then he doesn’t pick up and you want to call again, then call again, but if he doesn’t pick up, don’t bother calling him one more time. NEVER call twice in a row.
Also, if your boyfriend can’t be there for you when you absolutely need it, and he’s not willing to give up something else making you feel less important, you may want to reconsider the power dynamics in your relationship and see if he’s really worth your time.
If you have tried this tactic of not being clingy or needy, and he still shows the same behavior and no change in character, he just might not be worth it. Make sure you are consistent with your strategy though because inconsistency can result in ineffectiveness.
**Your boyfriend will come to you if you don’t come to him! And if he doesn’t come to you, he wasn’t even it worth the energy in the first place so just drop him!
There are always someone out there better for you and who is better than him….it’s not the end of the world! Trust me.
Endnote: Never deem any relationship as a waste of time because you always learn something from it. You learn something about the world, humanity, social behavior, but especially you learn what is important to you in a relationship and what self-values are important to you.
Failed relationships only lead you one step closer to a successful, meaningful relationship where both parties grow together.
So if your relationship or marriage ended up in a break up or divorce, it can be viewed in a good light because you have become STRONGER than you were before.
“Remember, a good heart is heart that is wise, experienced, and heavy. It can only grow bigger by overcoming challenges and hardships.”