Sometimes, when you are in a relationship, you realize you can’t stop thinking about your boyfriend…..
You receive a text message and you hope it is your boyfriend. You receive a phone call and you hope it is your boyfriend calling. You get excited when he says he is coming down to visit you but he comes three hours late without any notice of his tardiness because of supposed “traffic” or “getting some last minute work done”.
You feel your world revolves around your boyfriend.
You start to become needy and clingy.
You feel like you are not yourself and you are losing control of the relationship.
Your boyfriend is becoming more emotionally dominant over you and you feel weak…..
If any of these feelings apply to you, you might be in an unhealthy relationship. And it’s time to gain your power back in the relationship!
First, you need to evaluate makes you tick, focus on the flaws of your boyfriend.
Do you feel a lack in trust? Has he ever lied to you and did you ever suspect him cheating on you?
If these kinds of thoughts are going through your head, most probably, there is something wrong in your relationship you want to address whether it is trust, honesty, amount of time spent with you, commitment issues, or insecurity issues. Also, since you are reading this blog, you already know there is something off and you are searching for answers to validate your questionings.
What is he doing that makes you uncomfortable, sad, angry? Does he make you lose your self-esteem? Does he make you feel like you need him?
There is a very important aspect which is the basis of a relationship-power dynamics!
You want to be in a relationship where the power is equal meaning you both love each other equally and have the same levels of love, faith, trust, dedication, and respect for one another.
However, if your boyfriend is the one in control now, and you want to balance the power distribution again, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR POWER BACK!
Here are some tips that can help you get your power back and become that strong, independent woman you have always wanted to be. Becoming a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man is healthy mentally and emotionally and will lead you to a more happier, fulfilling life.
1)Respect yourself
You must first realize on your own that you want this! That you can no longer tolerate his behavior towards you and it needs to end now! A change in you will lead to a change in him. Someone else telling you “oh he’s no good” or to “dump his ***” is not going to drive you to execute and act with complete force. It is very hard to detach yourself from someone close and it takes a lot of willpower that only you can sustain. There won’t always be someone reminding you to not call or text him! You need to be consistent and willing to drive this change yourself and do it independently. Understanding on your own that you are done with his bull**** and making the decision for yourself is the first step. This is the most important step because if you are not set mentally on changing your outlook and his ways, there will be a backlash and you will just be in a endless cycle. All your efforts will be wasted if you are not strong enough to NOT give in! And along with this decision, having greater self-respect becomes the backbone of your mission!
Always tell yourself:
I’m better than him!
I’m worth it and I deserve better!
I will not settle for less!
Until you have confidence in yourself and respect yourself, then you will be strong enough to overcome your emotional attachment to your man. You need to be able to say “I don’t need a man; I can survive on my own.”
When he sees you don’t need him, then he will come to you because men most usually always WANT WHAT THEY CAN’T HAVE!!!
Your confident vibe will glow all around you and you will psychologically attract him and make him feel like HE NEEDS YOU!
An independent, strong woman shows you are not weak and also points to a biological attraction that men cannot resist because it signifies your ability to “take care of yourself because of your independence” which ultimately shows you can “take care of children”. You are therefore a good mate.
2)Do not call/text/email/facebook him.
Miss his calls sometimes and don’t call back till 3 hours later. Don’t reply/answer his texts/calls right away. Again, respond 2 or 3 hours later.
Let him contact you more than you contact him.
Make yourself unavailable. This attributes to the concept of rarity and specialness. Your unavailability demonstrates your independence again and shows him you are not sacrificing all your time for him. It shows him that you ARE DOING YOUR OWN THING. It shows that the world doesn’t revolve around him and you don’t need him. You are not in his control and you spend your valuable time on your PRIORITIES and obviously he is NOT the number one on that list! You are.
You will start to see he will call more often and try to contact you but rush him off the phone when you pick up and don’t spend more than 5-10 minutes talking to him. Make sure you rush him off first and say “I’m busy, I’ll call you back later or in 5 minutes”. Then don’t call him back until he contacts you via text or call. If you feel you must call him back, call him back not 5 minutes later but 2 or 3 hours later.
He might suspect your new tactics and he might play along by agreeing and saying “Sure, I’ll talk to you later” Go with it and say “okay bye”. Then don’t feel like you were “left” and absolutely do not CALL HIM back!
If you feel compelled to call him and you are too insecure/anxious to hold yourself back, I’ll let you in a secret tip!:
Most phones have the option to post a personal banner on your screen. If your phone is capable of this feature, use it to your advantage and post up an inspiring, powerful message that will stop your urge from calling him!
Some things you can post is:
We’re done
On to the next one
He’s not worth it
If he has cheated on you before or you feel there is a lack of trust, you can even put “cheater”
I’m better than him
You don’t need him
Don’t call him
Or post a flaw you absolutely hate about him or a flaw about him that makes you feel demeaned. Perhaps you hate the fact he doesn’t spend enough time with you or disrespects you by being late all the time. Post a flaw about him you dislike very much.
3) Do you own thing!
Go outside, get some vitamin D. Studies prove that people are happier in the sun because of the light that is exposed to them! Make new friends, go to clubs, meet new guys, of course being unfaithful is out of the question but flirting is no harm! Get a manicure, go to the gym, be in your best shape, or even buy yourself some new clothes. Overall, take care of yourself and pay attention to yourself!
Sometimes, men prey on women who don’t have friends, aren’t happy with themselves, who spend all their time on their boyfriend and gives up their time on her boyfriend rather than on her girlfriends. These men take control and the women become weak. If you and your man ever break up, you will need a support group and that lies in your friends and family so make sure you don’t neglect them because they are the ones who will truly be there for you when you fall.
4) Work on yourself mentally/emotionally
If you have a healthy mindset and you respect yourself, your relationship will follow and will be healthy as well. You need to mentally empower yourself which is the main key!
Tip: If he calls and you ignore the call, and then he doesn’t pick up and you want to call again, then call again, but if he doesn’t pick up, don’t bother calling him one more time. NEVER call twice in a row.
Also, if your boyfriend can’t be there for you when you absolutely need it, and he’s not willing to give up something else making you feel less important, you may want to reconsider the power dynamics in your relationship and see if he’s really worth your time.
If you have tried this tactic of not being clingy or needy, and he still shows the same behavior and no change in character, he just might not be worth it. Make sure you are consistent with your strategy though because inconsistency can result in ineffectiveness.
**Your boyfriend will come to you if you don’t come to him! And if he doesn’t come to you, he wasn’t even it worth the energy in the first place so just drop him!
There are always someone out there better for you and who is better than him….it’s not the end of the world! Trust me.
Endnote: Never deem any relationship as a waste of time because you always learn something from it. You learn something about the world, humanity, social behavior, but especially you learn what is important to you in a relationship and what self-values are important to you.
Failed relationships only lead you one step closer to a successful, meaningful relationship where both parties grow together.
So if your relationship or marriage ended up in a break up or divorce, it can be viewed in a good light because you have become STRONGER than you were before.
“Remember, a good heart is heart that is wise, experienced, and heavy. It can only grow bigger by overcoming challenges and hardships.”
agoodheartx3 
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Thank you, thank you, and thank you!!! This is really helpful.
No problem! 🙂
Dear Goodheartx3,
I have been thinking about your article all day. Can I briefly explain my situation to you, and asked you one question about the 2-3 hour rule? Okay, I was married for 16 years, and I haven’t had the need to date in years. Two years ago I met this guy who lives in Maryland, and I live in Alabama. We have met each other parents, family, etc., and we try to visit each other at least every other month. He and I are “ALWAYS” on the phone unless I’m teaching, because I’m a teacher. He’s a truck driver, which gives us “ALL” the talking time we can give each other. We fall asleep and wake-up still on the phone. This is Monday-Friday, mostly and majority everyday of the year. Recently, I started graduate school, so of course we’re not on the phone then and nor while I’m at church, but other times we are (get the picture)? Lately, he has been a little distance like not sending me lovely emails or making me feel super special like he has before. I’d admit I messed up in the beginning (not have dated in years), I poured my heart and feelings out to him about 2-3 months after we met. I love him so much and I believe he loves me, too. We’ve talked about our future together once I finish graduate school and he finds a better trucking job, because he has (financially) been struggling. *I know this because he has me all up in his business! 🙂 My question is: In my situation…If I do the 2-3 hour rule, what do I say after he asks me, “What have you been doing?” I can’t think of a valid excuse. Once before I tried something similar and he was so mad at me that he didn’t want to talk, which I thought was silly. But he was SERIOUSLY PISST! So how do I handle it? And one other question, are you married?
Thanks in advance,
Sharon
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Hello Sharon,
I am not married but I am in a long, and loving relationship. I don’t think I want to get married right now since I want to make sure I have a firm grip on my career first. I just finished schooling and my career is really on a take off.
Some excuses would be, I was out with my friends, I left my phone in the other room, I was doing something important for work, I am on the phone with my parents, any excuse that involves you doing “you” and that suggests you have other important hobbies or business that doesn’t revolve around him!
Of course he will be angry because he might not be used to it. It is time to reverse the power shift Sharon. In addition, I would advise you to evaluate your relationship and see why you might feel some insecurities, is there a underlying trust issue or is it just the long-distance getting in the way? And do you really want that in a relationship? What is a priority to you? Also, do you really think you love him, when you have only spent 2-4 months knowing him, You also mentioned that you are states away. He may really be somewhat distant lately because the honeymoon stage is maybe over…and the long-distance factor is really kicking in.
I hope this helps and let me know if you need any other insight. 🙂
I just stumbled on this and I’ve shared it with “hundreds of people”…
Now, I’m only worried about this power dynamics thing.
Been seeing this guy for about a year and I used to be in control of ALL my feelings and he was always the one wanting to go over and beyond for me.
The frequent sex & visits made me fall helplessly in love with him and it’s making me soo insecure. Each time I try to ignore his calls or act busy? It only works for about a week and then I’m back obsessing and chasing him.
He enjoys the power he has over me and somehow he feels I cannot get back the control I had in the first 6months.
Please help! )-:
Hello Verbaljunkiee,
Well, then is that REALLY the man you want in your life? Someone who holds and ENJOYS power over you? I think not. Insecurity can be a large root to pull under many problems. Perhaps, your relationship should be reevaluated, and maybe you should think if he is really the right guy for you. You should ask yourself, why is he making me feel insecure? Is it cause I have my own issues to worry about or is it really because of him? Once you regain your independence and security, I think the relationship will run a lot smoother. Sometimes it is okay to feel helpless or lost control because you really are in love with him but is that just puppy love, is that real love? These feelings of insecurity can happen initially and for a small amount of period, but they should not be permanent. I think you need to first find out the root cause of your insecurity. I hope that answered your question! 🙂
…and this is how you end up being single (and hopefully happy) again. And that, my dear, works both ways.
Thank you so much. I see now that my bf has been trying all these tactics on me. Now its time for him to pay. He he.
Hey this helped me so much and opened up my eyes. I got one more question. While I’m doing my own thing……do i withhold sex from him….cos we live together?
Dear Mel,
Don’t withhold sex from him as a tactic. Yes men could be all about sex, but that is not what defines a relationship. One of the more important factors is the way you communicate with him. Yes sex can be about power but you don’t want to use sex as leverage or as a reward. That is not a way to gain “respect”. Sex should be an equally shared experience. You should enjoy sex, and in fact, you should take charge if you feel like you are in the mood. Just try to modify your communication with him first, before changing up your bedroom plans. Most men would sense there is something immediately wrong in the relationship once a woman suddenly withholds and you don’t want him to be going crazy with rampant thoughts before you first sit down establish a good working relationship built on communication and trust first.
..and people wonders why marriage is on the decline.
On the matter of sex i really don’t feel up to it with him as he has hurt me countless of time with his infidelity and disrespect.I have tried so hard to get the relationship to work but seems as if he is taking me for granted.
Hello,
I love this article, thank you! I am in need of advice please, here is my dilemma, my boyfriend and I have decided to try our relationship again after a year and a half of breaking up. The first time around, he was playing a lot of games so I walked away before it got worse without saying a word. For a year and a half, he continued to contact me and I ignored him every time. Eventually, He worked his way back and I gave him another chance. Within two months of getting back together, he did a 360 degree change and is back to those same games. Since then, I wait for him to text or call me in the morning, so I won’t feel like I’m investing more than he is. I would also ignore his calls and texts on purpose, making sure he could see the time stamp, and I would call him back much later, sometimes it wouldn’t bother him, but most times he’d be overly upset then I’d end up defending myself; a lot of times he’d throw the time stamp factor in my face and say that he knows I saw his message and chose to ignore it, other times he’d insinuate I was lying altogether about wherever or whatever I claimed to be busy doing. My last straw was him putting me on hold and never coming back to the line to say I’ll call you back or to speak. I was fed up and sent him a message the next day about how I was feeling. I don’t know what that message did to him but he began calling me over and over, forty-five times for the entire day. I waited hours before calling him back and when I finally did he gave me an unreasonable excuse with an apology. We made up and only a few hours later, we got into another argument about me going out with my friends that night and not telling him. I was so upset I hung up the phone on him and since then, it feels like we’re just not meant to be. I’m tired but not tired enough to give up I guess. I just want to be in control again but it seems like his controlling ways and disrespectful actions are pushing me further away. I don’t keep my life focused on him, I go out and do what I want, never have I canceled my plans for him; we rarely spend time together due to our work schedules (he works overnight, I work mornings) and I feel like if he really wanted to see me, he would make the time. In addition, I am currently attending school in another city, therefore my time is limited when I am home. I try to get as much time as I can with him, but it’s inevitable. He’s has a great ability to make me feel wonderful whether it be mentally or physically, but I have lost faith in everything he says or does. Ultimately, it feels like the honeymoon stage ended before it really began. Is it too late for me to regain my power or should we just let it go altogether? Thank you!
nice
I need help asap please.
Me and my fiance have been together 1 year. (4 years before but we broke up) he was so sweet and amazing he held me showed affection communicated always wanted to see me and talk to me. He had nothing but good to say to me…..these last 6 months have been hell…no affection no communication nothing nice to say complete opposite actuallynever texts back or answers the phone. He says he loves me and wants only me but he’s so distant that it Hurts. We never spend time together anymore. Please help me 😦
brilliant advice, when we first met, it was very much equal, and then something happened one day and all of a sudden he seems to be ‘dictating’ the relationship in many ways and I feel powerless. I dont necessarily want to be in charge, but need to get back on equal terms. This has helped enormously, odd times when I have played him at his own game, it has worked and got the desired effect, just need to keep at it. Less is more an all that…
agoodheartx3
hi agoodheartx3!
i have been in this relationship for four years, the first two years we stayed in the same city but didn’t stay together unless we visit each other which is normally not more than a week. the rest of the other two years i have been studying abroad , and the relationship has been fine until i came back home for holidays , this time we stayed together, he has been complaining i have changed but he cant justify in what way exactly, we argued almost now and then ,and the thing that pisses me of the most is the fact that he lies even on a small thing, he is very emotional and he is always complaining about life. then the was this time we argue, he is dirty fighter and hard-headed, he wont give in or acknowledge he is wrong, for the first time i caught him texting a gal i confronted him and he said he started speaking to the gal two weeks back! the thing is i don’t trust him any more because he is very manipulative , i have decide only to stay with him until i go back to school then i will leave him alone, we where planning of getting engaged before i leave but honestly am not interested in him any more, our relationship is not intimate unless i initiate it most of the time we sleep like we angry at each other, the thing is he is not that good in bed and he always have this foul smell from his mouth which i sometimes find it hard to bear especially when we making out! i have tried to help him but am truly wormed out, please help!!!
This is a fantastic and honest article. I think that as long as you stick to it with wllpower, strength and consistency—with hard work a woman with family & friends could nail this advice.
I’m not saying it would be easy, but certainly something doable & along the same lines as following the empowering steps “Liz” of “Eat, Pray, Love” did when stepping away from her life of marriage & comfort to go on a journey that ultimately left her in a much happier position.
She goes through sadness, regret & wondering if she made the right choice–but she did & it’s great it shows the ups & downs–but in the end it was the right choice to walk away. (more from the rebound self-absorbed/manipulative boyfriend “David” that she meets after leaving her husband.)
My questions are 1)is for the women who have no friends and family–perhaps they were previously abused & isolated & lost thier support network.
This would make it harder to disengage, because even if they are completely aware of how unhealthy the dynamic is, unlike people with other things in life, there are women out there who are literally all alone.
They lost themselves, can’t support themselves & find themselves so isolated—giving up that man would be like cutting off an arm because they may be unemployable after a long marriage, or quite young with little work or life experience under thier belt.
To these women staying with the man is a “better” option to thier perception, because leaving would create more loneliness, cutting off perhaps the only friend or family they have.
They can’t leave because they rely on him financially, or don’t have good people in thier life to help them so leaving would be too risky.
(At first I didn’t understand why women would stay in situations this bad, or even ones that turn into abuse, but after seeing how isolated/trapped many are I could understand thier dilema.)
Does the advice differ for women in the above isolated situation? What can you say/do for someone who lacks other people outside of the relationship?
2) Women who are physically disabled and quite literally rely on a partner when experiencing a sudden illness or injury that leaves them mostly helpless.
This situation stumped me the most, because my usual advice is to just walk away and take thier power back, but when you see very vulnerable people who don’t have anyone else supporting them, or they cannot get about & be self-sufficient.
How does a disabled person, or women take back her power? How can she be “unavailable” if she is in a bed with broken leg or something like that?
Thank you again for this awesome article. 🙂
This article ia of so much help! I was always confused about what to do with my relationship to regain the balance. Now I surely know! I am so much more clear and confident. Thanks a lot!!
Hi I don’t know where to start . I read your article and it screams all the things I know I should be doing!
I’m in a long term relationship with an ex finance from when we were both in our teens . We met up again two years ago and have picked up where we left off but he’s not the same and I feel I’ve lost any equality I may have had at the beginning of the last 2 years . I hate the way he’s turned me into this person I’ve become, this was meant to be my happy ending but I find myself waiting on him hand and foot and putting all his needs before my own and I get little respect if any for it although he says he loves me and always has . I love him so much, I never stopped,even though we went our separate ways I still always hoped we’d get back together one day but I never saw this coming. I have done the things you’ve suggested, I’ve even told him how I feel and at the time he says he’s sorry but it only lasts a few days , I’ve only got myself to blame because I allow it to go on because I’m not ready to say get lost and mean it although I know one day I will . Your page has given me a new hope though and I will continue to actively gain back my power. Many thanks J
Glad to be of help – you just need to do YOU! 🙂